sexuality pains

I have to say I am a little bit conservative, let's say I am sort of open minded and religious in the same time, I fall between cracks . I was never open about my sexuality , I was shy, ashamed and discreet .

But recently the huge sexual appetite showed itself in frequent masturbations, which cause huge aftermaths. I am Muslim and there is a saying of the prophet "Hadith" meaning that the masturbator is out of the mercy of God, he \she is cursed. This hadith makes me disgusted, sad and shameful, I feel that I am dirty and God will punish me by preventing me from having sex with a partner forever.

Imagine that my only sexual pleasure will curse me, how lucky I am. By the way I forget to tell you that I am eternal virgin, I was never kissed by a guy, and I think that will not happen in the near future , I will tell you about my fucked up romance life later on.

Back to my sexuality, now the episodes turn me on, I am very sensitive to any alert, I easily find some guys talks very sexy, I find love scenes very nice, although I hate nudity but partial nudity is really exciting . I dream wet dreams a lot, I see the guys I liked doing things that they never did to me, but every time I wake up, I find myself wet and alone in my bed .

I feel I am captured in a dark cave alone, I need help to get out of it, wither by feeling OK to masturbate or to find a cute partner to loss my virginity with him. Until then I will feel bad and alone