Being in denial

I thought I reconciled with my fate as a bipolar , but this is not true, last month I hated being sick and  I stopped taking my medicines, I thought I will be free from the stupid daily routine and I will feel better. And this is a lie, stopping taking the medicine lead to a strong episode, this is the third week of the mixed episode, I have ups and downs in the same day, my body is betraying me and the chemistry is killing me .

I feel that I am punished for not obeying the system, the doctors and friends, I hate being on stake , every day I have to take my stupid bills or otherwise I will end up alone in a mental hospital , I know that I am losing my life slowly and others are gaining authority over my life, I need to regain my autonomy  and to stop people from invading my life.

I feel bad, this disease is attacking me harshly this time, the mania should stop after a month with taking medicines, this is the third week, if the mixed episode did not stop , I should be hospitalized and I hate that . I do not want to kept is mental facility with horrible persons spying on every move.

I want to stay safe, powerful and independent, I should reclaim my life and I do not want to destroy what I have been building in the past two years , I hate that my illness is showing itself in every statement I say. I want to be realistic and stop being dependent and childish , I need to find peace with the fact that I have chronic disease and I will never be cured . I do not want to live my life under jeopardy  and  I hope I will be free from this pain one day.

My battle should start by taking the various stupid bills , and I hope I will be victorious in the end .